abstractgeek's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- re-opening Perhaps because I have left this space dormant for a few months, this will again be my space to be more free with what I have to say. At the moment, I cannot sleep. I want to sleep, because I have class at 10 in the morning. My brain will not slow down. I don't think I can handle being around people right now, the people on my floor irritate me because they are so social. My friends irritate me because they are absent more often than not. People in general irritate me for various reasons...sometimes it's just something as trivial as the shoes they wear. I irritate myself, because I let these other things bother me. I don't like that I am losing sleep. I wish things would just fall into place, and I could be happy with life. I still want a guy that I can't have. I want friends that feel more supportive. I want to be able to come up with ideas for my artwork. I want to feel like I belong where I am. I need to get over the guy, I will never know if I had gone to that party that one night...if that would have made a difference in who he is dating right now. It is not healthy to keep wondering if I missed a chance because I didn't want to drink or go out to a party the night before I had to move in. If I did, I did. My mind keeps thinking I have the ability to change things from two months ago. Actually, it even goes back over two years and takes me on a guilt trip. What's done is done. I need to get a grip on that. I don't get to regain innocence. I don't get to change past events. My past decisions impact the current ones. I'm paranoid about relationships, because I don't want to get manipulated again. I'm jaded, and don't see the point of being in a relationship when it would turn into a long distance thing 4 months out of the year. Basically, I'm really good at fucking myself over. I want something that I see as pointless. Then again, do I want it because I want it, or do I want it because it's the thing society pushes at people? I can't figure out the answer. I don't know what the person inside of me wants. 1:47 a.m. - 31 October 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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